In this article
Most relationship patterns make more sense once you understand attachment styles in adult relationships. The way you pursue closeness, pull back from it, or do both at once rarely comes out of nowhere. It was shaped early, usually in the first few years of life, and it has been running your relationships ever since without you necessarily knowing it.
What attachment theory actually says
Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth. The central idea is that early caregiving experiences create internal working models of relationship: whether people can be trusted, whether you are worthy of care, and whether closeness is safe. Children develop strategies for getting their needs met based on how consistently and sensitively their caregivers responded to them. Those strategies persist into adulthood, often becoming invisible defaults that shape how we behave in close relationships.
The four attachment styles
Secure attachment People with secure attachment are generally comfortable with both closeness and independence. They can rely on others and allow others to rely on them without it feeling threatening. They communicate needs fairly directly, recover from conflict without catastrophizing, and assume that relationships can be safe. Roughly 50 to 55 percent of adults have a predominantly secure attachment style. Anxious (preoccupied) attachment Anxiously attached adults typically crave deep closeness but fear it will be taken away. They may need frequent reassurance, read potential rejection into neutral situations (a delayed text, a cooler tone in a message), and feel intense discomfort with relationship uncertainty. The underlying belief is often something like: I need to be very close to be safe, and I am not sure I am lovable enough to keep that. Avoidant (dismissing) attachment Avoidantly attached adults tend to value independence and self-sufficiency above closeness. Emotional vulnerability feels risky. When relationships deepen, they may pull back, focus on flaws in the partner, or frame their withdrawal as simply preferring space. The underlying belief is often: closeness is unsafe or not worth the risk, and I am better off relying only on myself.
People often ask: Can your attachment style change as an adult?
Yes. Attachment style is not fixed. It can shift through significant life experiences, relationships, and especially through therapy. Research on ‘earned security’ shows that adults with anxious or avoidant patterns can develop more secure functioning through consistent, corrective relationship experiences, which is part of what good therapy provides.
Disorganized (fearful) attachment Disorganized attachment is the most complex pattern. The person wants closeness but also fears it, creating a fundamental approach-withdraw conflict. This style is most often linked to early experiences of loss, abuse, or caregivers who were themselves frightening or unpredictable. It tends to produce the most relationship turbulence, because both intimacy and its absence feel threatening.
Did you know?
John Bowlby developed attachment theory in the 1960s while studying children separated from caregivers during wartime. What began as child development research is now one of the most widely applied frameworks in adult relationship therapy.
How your attachment style shows up in relationships
Attachment patterns rarely appear clearly labeled. They show up as arguments that escalate into questions of love and abandonment. As a partner who withdraws when you most need connection. As an inability to say what you actually need because it feels too vulnerable. A few common patterns: Anxious + Avoidant pairing: One partner pursues closeness more intensely as the other creates distance. The pursuer feels abandoned; the distancer feels smothered. Both are getting their worst fears confirmed. This is one of the most common relationship dynamics that brings couples into therapy. Anxious + Anxious pairing: Both partners are highly reactive to perceived rejection. Can produce volatile arguments and intense repair cycles. Avoidant + Avoidant pairing: Often stable on the surface but emotionally distant. Both partners collude to avoid deep intimacy, which may feel safe but tends to produce disconnection over time.
Can your attachment style actually change?
Yes. The concept of earned security refers to adults who, despite insecure early attachment, develop more secure patterns over time. This most commonly happens through:
- A sustained, safe, and consistent relationship with a partner or close friend
- Attachment-focused psychotherapy, which uses the therapeutic relationship itself as a corrective experience
- Developing a coherent narrative of your early experiences, not necessarily a positive one, but one that makes sense and has been processed rather than avoided
The shift does not happen quickly, but it happens. Disorganized attachment is the hardest to move, and also the one that benefits most from professional support.
Our therapists at 101 Psychotherapy work with individuals and couples on relationship patterns, attachment, and communication across Vaughan, Richmond Hill, Aurora, and Brampton. Book a free consultation to get started.
Frequently asked questions
Can your attachment style change as an adult?
Yes. Research on earned security shows that people with insecure attachment styles can develop more secure patterns over time, particularly through consistent, safe relationships and therapeutic work. Attachment-focused therapy is specifically designed to address these patterns by creating a corrective emotional experience within the therapeutic relationship itself.
How do I know what my attachment style is?
You can get a rough sense from reading descriptions and noticing patterns in your relationships. Validated questionnaires like the Experiences in Close Relationships (ECR) scale are freely available online and give a more structured picture. A therapist can also help you identify your patterns through the process of therapy itself.
Can two anxious people be in a relationship together?
Yes, and many are. Two anxiously attached people can trigger each other’s fears significantly, leading to cycles of demand and protest. It tends to be a more volatile pairing than anxious-avoidant, but it is not unworkable. What helps most is both people developing self-awareness about their patterns and building the capacity to self-regulate before the cycle escalates.
Is avoidant attachment the same as not caring about relationships?
No. People with avoidant attachment generally do want closeness, but closeness also triggers discomfort. The avoidance is a learned strategy to protect against the risk of being hurt, rejected, or engulfed, not evidence of indifference. Understanding this distinction tends to be important for avoidant people and their partners.
Does attachment style affect how I parent?
Significantly. Research shows that a parent’s own attachment style is one of the strongest predictors of their child’s attachment security. This does not mean insecure parents raise insecure children, but it does underscore why working on your own patterns matters, both for you and for the people you are close to.
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